Putting on Pants... UGH!

I know.
Putting on pants is an everyday occurrence. Or at least it should be.
For some of us this is easier said than done many days.

Today I put on a pair of shorts that I thought would fit well.
Apparently I was wrong.

Oh, they did fit...
once I laid on the bed and held my breath that is.

I have been making such strides in my journey to a thinner me...
or so I had thought.

It seems that I have gained back the 5 pounds lost last week.
Maybe if I just drink a gallon of water every day and stop eating all together I will lose it for good?

But then, that is not a realistic weight loss plan now is it?

So, instead I will drink my 100 ounces of water every day.
I will eat fresh fruits everyday. I have strawberries and blueberries this week- Woo Hoo!
I will keep my portions small.
I will not snack late at night.
I will not eat junk food... much... okay at all.

I have decided that I will not renew my Sensa plan once I finish with June's supply. In the 5 months I have been using it I have lost about 8 forever pounds and another 3-5 that flucuate weekly so...

For me I do not beleive the Sensa is working anymore. It was great at first, but after the 3rd month there has not been much in the permanent results department.

I admit, I do not sprinkle everything I eat, but I only miss a meal or 2 a week so that really should not make a difference in the grand scheme of things.
I am more active and am making the very conscious effort to remember that :
1- I do not live to eat and
2- I eat to live and
3- my goal is to lose 10 pounds... and then 10 pounds... and then 10 pounds... until I have achieved my ultimate goal...

These are the things that I will do to stay on track. I have 10 pounds to lose. When I lose those 10 pounds I will be under 200. That is the only goal I have at the moment. To weigh less than 200 pounds.

I was there 5 years ago. I was there for 3 years. I can be there again...

Until I get there I will continue to Color Me Thin with a giant ORANGE crayon and imagine that THAT is what I look like to everyone else...

Not just to myself in my dreams.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men... well, you know

DISCLAIMER: This Post Is Long. Do Not read any further if you do not want to get ensnared in the musings of a slightly depressed woman who is finding the truths behind her weight loss... or lack thereof... more painful than she could have imagined!

Click here for the soundtrack of my life

My intentions upon starting this blog, indeed, this journey thru the waist-land of weight loss were honest and pure.

So. What happened?

I got sick. Really sick.

I got tired. Really tired.

I got bogged down with emotional stuff. Really bogged down.

I let excuses get in my way.

That's it.

Full culpability here.

I am responsible for my actions, or inactions as it were.

I am why I cannot get below 208 pounds.

I was there last week.

I was there last month.

I was there in Freaking FEBRUARY!

I could be below 200 now.

I should be below 190 now.

I realized that I sabotaged myself... again.

I had a dream. It left me sobbing in my sleep. It left me feeling alone and unwanted. It left me feeling such a sense of loss that I awoke sobbing into my pillow and I could not stop.

I think that I sabotage my weight loss because I am not worthy.

I have done things. I have thought things. I am not worth the time it takes to pick up a phone of drop bu for a cup of coffee.

No. Really. I believe I am not... and that makes it true.

My best friend growing up moved away 7 years ago. I have seen her twice and spoken to her on the phone less than once a year. Each visit and nearly every phone call has been initiated by me. I found out last year that she has been back to our area several times in the past few years but not once did she call or stop by, not once. I drove 3 hours out of my way to spend and afternoon with her and she could not go 10 minutes out of hers.

I had a friend when I was married before. She and I worked together. We had children the same year. We were very much alike and did alot together. Then I got divorced. She had twins. I had 3 kids in 3 years. I called and kept in touch. I took my babies to have play dates with her babies. When her husband had cancer I called, I stopped by, I rallied round to keep his spirits up. He was cured. I haven't had a phone call from my friend since.

There was a guy in high school who I liked a lot. He was my friend even after his family moved away. He once came to visit me unexpectecly. I was on my way out the door on a date but I took the time to spend with him because he came all that way just to see me. He made me feel important. He made me feel like I was worth his time. His mother and I actually exchanged Christmas cards and family updates for many years after we had both gotten married and gone our separate ways.That was the last time I saw him, just before our high school graduations and his leaving for college. I cherish that visit more than he will ever know.

That is the last time I have felt that way. Not that I walk around feeling dejected and rejected all the time...

I think I have this place inside me where my true self hides. It only comes out very rarely. Like in my dream on Sunday. The rest of the time it is hidden behind the VeryBusyMom facade.

I think I need to let that part of me out more.
But mainly I think I need to make some friends. Oh, I know lots of people, but no one stops by for a cup of coffee. No one calls to invite me for a girls night out. No one wants to go walking with me.

I realized all this Sunday as I stood sobbing uncontrollably in the shower... wanting to talk to someone about it... and realized there was no one for me to call.

So. I sabotage myself. In many ways. All of them subconsciously. Or at least they were up til now!

I need to work on myself.
So. Starting right now I am going to work harder at letting the hidden parts of me come out, to acknowledge the hurt and the pain and the STUFF that I have buried deep inside.

But that will have to wait until tomorrow...

Afterall, Tomorrow is another day.

3 Steps Forward... 2 Steps Back?

Today is March 4th. I have officially been using the Sensa Weight Loss program, we'll just call them Sprinkles, for 2 months.

In that 2 months I have lost 7 pounds.

Here is the break down for those inquiring minds who think they need to know...

Jan 3rd I opened the box, read the instructions and started sprinkling everything I ate...

Week 1- 212.5 pounds... a 4 pound weight loss in about 8 days.

Week 2- down to 209.5... a 3 pound weight loss for a total of 7 pounds down...

It was looking good, REALLY good and then...

Week 3- weigh in didn't happen because of the 102 degree fever, chills and horrible pain in every part of my body...

Week 4- weight was the furthest thing from my mind... just taking a shower had me in bed for a 2 hour nap from exhaustion... the FLU from Hell was in full swing and all I could manage to do was drink about 100 oz of water a day and try not to cough up a lung...

Week 5- Finally, FINALLY! I woke up feeling like I had actually had some sleep... and I could take deep breaths without triggering a coughing jag that would last an hour. Back on track at work, getting caught up on my writing assignment deadlines and... ran the vacuum for the first time in nearly a month...

LIFE IS GOOD! 

Week 6- Life is NOT good. I tire too easily and it is all I can do to get thru the day to take a nap to go to work... weight is up to 213 and hanging there... but I could be worse, MUCH worse...

Walked 3 miles on Monday and nearly 6 miles on Wednesday this week... the weather was in the 70's so I took advantage! 

Week 7- Weight is 210-ish. It's been up and down for the few days ( yes I weigh myself almost every day - it makes me pay attention to what I am doing!)

Week 8- That's TODAY! Weight is at 209. Not bad, but certainly not astronomically astounding either.

I have figured out that I have not sprinkled enough.
Actually it's not that I am not sprinkling enough, its that I am not eating enough so I am not sprinkling what I am not eating.

At the end of each month I have been told that month's Shaker ( the thing the Sprinkles are in) should be empty, or nearly so. You get 2 a month and by mid month one should be empty and at the end of the month the other one should be too.

Well, I have almost a full Shaker left at the end of this month. Not Good, Not Good At All!

So, I am going to have to make myself eat more, I mean like eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day instead of 1 meal and maybe 2 snacks...

A typical food day is lunch - a sandwich or a salad or a some yogurt with granola and fresh fruit.

Then there's a snack... some Sun Chips or some Wheat Thins and hummus or an apple or a pear.

Dinner... yeah, not usually on the menu, but a small helping of whatever I made the family... Jambalaya, Beef Stew, Baked Chicken, Meatball subs...

At night at work I eat a piece of fruit, granola and sometimes cookies.

Ya gotta have a cookie now and again or ya get cranky!

So I resolve to eat more frequently and try to eat more fruits and veggies for snacks.
But more importantly, I VOW to SPRINKLE EVERYTHING I eat... and since I'll be eating more then I'll be using more SPRINKLES and then...

Look Out! Hot Momma coming down!!!

Wednesday's Weigh-In.... NOT

Yes, this is a weigh-in...
From yesterday, which was Wednesday.

But I am not really gong to pay attention to this weight this week for several reasons.

First- I am not making excuses, this is all true.

Now-

1-   I am retaining fluid from the cold and cough meds...
      and because I have only been drinking 2-3 quarts of water or crystal light a day.

2-   I ran out of the Green tea peach mango crystal light - the metabolism booster one?
      And I really do notice a difference from drinking that one all day versus drinking the peach tea or the
      raspberry lemonade.

3-   I am hungry since running out of the green tea which is unusual since I don't really get hungry...
      well I do but not often.

4-   I have been eating my emotions again... I try not to but...
      if you had my family for just a day you would understand... really, you would!
     TheBusyFamily is not always TheGoodFamily...
      which if you ever read my other blog you would know by now.

So, there you have it.
The reasons why I am not going to beat myself up about this week's weight...
Oh yeah, which is 213 btw.

Since I am not beating myself up I will instead treat myself to a bowl of diced fresh pear and apple with my morning coffee... and then I will head out to the store to buy some of that green tea peach mango metabolism booster Crystal light...

whether it is the difference or not really isn't the point...
It's what my brain thinks is the secret to my weight loss success

And who am I to argue with my brain?

Better Late Than Never?

Officially, I have been on the SENSA plan for 4 weeks.

In reality?

No, I have not.

I have been sick for the past 2 weeks with the worst FLU in the history of the world.

Okay, the worst FLU in my history of the world.

So, I did use my Sprinkles on everything I ate while sick, on the sofa, feeling like I was hacking up a lung or dying, or both... For 2 WEEKS...

But I wasn't really hungry so I didn't eat much.

I did drink 6 quarts of water a day.
I did suck on Ricola and Hall's cough drops like candy.
I did take cold and flu medicine.

The problem was that I was dehydrated anyway... what with the cold medicine sucking the moisture out of me AND the fever that lasted for 6 days...

Still I have not gained anything so...

Officially I am beginning week 4.
Un-officially I am beginning week 2...
I'm just gonna pretend that the last 2 weeks didn't happen... ( I think it's better for my sanity this way)

Yes, they were that awful.
No, I'm not kidding....

Don't forget to drink your water...
And take some VITAMIN C while you're at it...

It could be the difference between living your life and laying on the sofa with the FLU...

Guess I shoulda taken some VITAMIN C tabs, ya think?

Sensa Day 10.... Feeling Thinnish?

Me!!!

No, that's not exactly true.
I am not counting the days on Sensa, but more like counting the days of increased water and decreased junk food consumption.

Which is pretty much what this is boiling down to.

I have been using my sprinkles on everything- even the butter cookies- that I have eaten over the last week and a half.

Yes, I said butter cookies.
And a piece of carrot cake on my birthday.
And a piece yesterday instead of dinner.

But I didn't skip dinner so much as I ate it at lunch instead so that I would not eat a heavy meal then head right to bed for an evening nap before work.

I have found that :
1)   I am much thirstier than I usually am in the middle of winter.
2)   I am craving fruit and veggies instead of breads and dairy products...very different for me I have to say.
3)   Some days I feel bloated but most days I feel 'thinnish'... and if it isn't a real word, it is now!

So, I will continue my Sprinkling ways and drinking Crystal Light and water...

And I'll let you know on Monday how I manage to resist the temptations of the weekend ...
Cake, cake and more cake are in my immediate future... but I will not give in !!!

Until next time...

A week in and...

It's still going well.
I'm using my sprinkles on all my food and drinking about 96 ounces of water every day.
I am keeping track of my daily calorie intake, as well as sodium and carbs. So far I have been doing really well and keeping within the recommended ranges.

I weighed in at 212.5. That's a 3.5 pound weight loss in a week.

The daily menu tool on the TrySensa.com site is easy to use, and the recipes are not only simple, but look like they will be full of flavor too.

Tonight I will be making pork chops with apple sauerkraut. I'll let you know if it tastes as good as the recipe looks!

After one week I highly recommend this program. So far it has been as easy to stick to as the infomercials claimed, and with the use of the menu tools and support groups it has been easy to get answers to my questions and find tricks to help keep to the program even when eating out.

Until next time.... eat healthy and drink plenty of water!