Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men... well, you know

DISCLAIMER: This Post Is Long. Do Not read any further if you do not want to get ensnared in the musings of a slightly depressed woman who is finding the truths behind her weight loss... or lack thereof... more painful than she could have imagined!
Click here for the soundtrack of my life

My intentions upon starting this blog, indeed, this journey thru the waist-land of weight loss were honest and pure.

So. What happened?

I got sick. Really sick.
I got tired. Really tired.
I got bogged down with emotional stuff. Really bogged down.

I let excuses get in my way.

That's it.

Full culpability here.

I am responsible for my actions, or inactions as it were.

I am why I cannot get below 208 pounds.

I was there last week.
I was there last month.
I was there in Freaking FEBRUARY!

I could be below 200 now.
I should be below 190 now.

I realized that I sabotaged myself... again.


I had a dream. It left me sobbing in my sleep. It left me feeling alone and unwanted. It left me feeling such a sense of loss that I awoke sobbing into my pillow and I could not stop.


I think that I sabotage my weight loss because I am not worthy.
I have done things. I have thought things. I am not worth the time it takes to pick up a phone of drop bu for a cup of coffee.

No. Really. I believe I am not... and that makes it true.

My best friend growing up moved away 7 years ago. I have seen her twice and spoken to her on the phone less than once a year. Each visit and nearly every phone call has been initiated by me. I found out last year that she has been back to our area several times in the past few years but not once did she call or stop by, not once. I drove 3 hours out of my way to spend and afternoon with her and she could not go 10 minutes out of hers.

I had a friend when I was married before. She and I worked together. We had children the same year. We were very much alike and did alot together. Then I got divorced. She had twins. I had 3 kids in 3 years. I called and kept in touch. I took my babies to have play dates with her babies. When her husband had cancer I called, I stopped by, I rallied round to keep his spirits up. He was cured. I haven't had a phone call from my friend since.

There was a guy in high school who I liked a lot. He was my friend even after his family moved away. He once came to visit me unexpectecly. I was on my way out the door on a date but I took the time to spend with him because he came all that way just to see me. He made me feel important. He made me feel like I was worth his time. His mother and I actually exchanged Christmas cards and family updates for many years after we had both gotten married and gone our separate ways.That was the last time I saw him, just before our high school graduations and his leaving for college. I cherish that visit more than he will ever know.

That is the last time I have felt that way. Not that I walk around feeling dejected and rejected all the time...
I think I have this place inside me where my true self hides. It only comes out very rarely. Like in my dream on Sunday. The rest of the time it is hidden behind the VeryBusyMom facade.

I think I need to let that part of me out more.
But mainly I think I need to make some friends. Oh, I know lots of people, but no one stops by for a cup of coffee. No one calls to invite me for a girls night out. No one wants to go walking with me.

I realized all this Sunday as I stood sobbing uncontrollably in the shower... wanting to talk to someone about it... and realized there was no one for me to call.

So. I sabotage myself. In many ways. All of them subconsciously. Or at least they were up til now!

I need to work on myself.
So. Starting right now I am going to work harder at letting the hidden parts of me come out, to acknowledge the hurt and the pain and the STUFF that I have buried deep inside.

But that will have to wait until tomorrow...
Afterall, Tomorrow is another day.