What Price Skinny?

Bulimia.                      (ewwwww)
Anorexia..                   (btdt)
Diet pills.                (too jumpy)
The liquid diet.            (ick)
The fat flushing diet. (too bad it comes right back)
The Cabbage diet.       (skinny but friendless?)
The Fish diet.    (skinny and a brainiac... not likely)
Thermogenics              (getting warmer)
Slim-fast.                     (getting hungrier)
HCG...  Say what?                                                                      

Seriously? 
Human Chorionic Growth Hormone...


HCG is now a weight loss product.




I mean it's a real one
.
Even Dr. Oz talked about it on his show.
He said it worked. 
He had no idea how or why, just that it had.


What is HCG? 
A hormone that is produced by pregnancy so the baby will grow. 


Who knew that un-pregnant people would lose weight if they took it? 
Who thought to try it?
On second thought, how do you get this hormone if you are not pregnant, or like, a boy?


Sometimes the leaps that scientific minds make to come up with solutions to the world's ills baffle and confuse me. 


And sometimes, I think that I'm better off just ignoring the world around me and moving to the beat of my very own drum, by myself, without any pregnant hormones to help me lose the weight...


What price is too much to pay for skinny-ness?


Anything that requires needles or patches or horse-pills, dehydrated foods or all liquid diets, prepackaged food that tastes like cardboard and costs as much as 2 weeks of family groceries...


Running, swimming, eating fresh fruits and vegetables, drinking a gallon of water a day... 


They may not be fancy.
They are not expensive.
They certainly aren't glamorous.
But they sure do work.... 


when I actually get around to doing them that is! 

I think, therefore, I AM...

not thinking about losing weight apparently.

Yes, I am back...
From out of town, that is.

Our family, the whole darn thing, went on a lovely joint vacation to Colonial Williamsburg.
There was great fun to be had by all... just not all together and at the same time.

We did a walking tour of the Colonial town... complete with a battle demonstration by re-enactors that was loud, smoky and quite entertaining as well as educational.
We walked around Busch Gardens for just over 12 hours...then went back and did it again for 8 more hours a few days later!
We went to Water Country USA... Yes, this is an amusement park filled with water slides and wave and wading pools. This translates into a day spent walking up and down hills to get to these fun and exciting slides followed by the climbing of quite literally THOUSANDS of steps to reach the launch just so that we could hurdle to our death at record breaking speeds from dizzying heights...
and then climb a thousand stairs to do it all again...
for over 7 hours!

Yes, I did all this walking.
I did all this stair climbing.
I drank a gallon of water a day.
I ate fresh fruit and vegetables.
I ate 3 meals a day and had virtually no snacks the entire week we were away.
I made healthy food choices on the few occasions we dined out.
I brought groceries from home and cooked healthy meals for the entire family nearly every night.

And yet...
I still am 210 pounds.
I seem unable to lose any more weight.

I am walking 3-4 days a week from 2 to 5 miles.
I am working out 2-3 days a week for 45 minutes or more to tone muscles and increase my endurance, my cardiac health and keep my Rheumatoid Arthritic joints and all-over fibromyalgia body pain to a dull ache.

And yet... still... shockingly and quite depressingly... I am still 210 pounds.

But...
I. Will. Not. Give. Up!
I. Will. Persevere.
I WILL SUCCEED!

or at least that is my intention...
and I am hoping that you will stick with me and encourage me and keep me honest and accountable for what I do, what I say, and what I eat...
Every single day...
Until my birthday in January or I lose 50 pounds...
Whichever comes first!

A New Outlook on Life... or Not

As I struggle to lose weight...
An on-going, often up-hill battle...
or so it too often seems...

I look at myself in the full-length mirror I had HeMan Hubby install behind our bedroom door way back in January when I decided to start the Sensa weightloss program and to get serious about this extra tonage I am lugging along with me everyday.

Sometimes I am not sure I know who that person in the mirror is.
Sometimes I see a stranger looking out at me from that other-parallel world beyond the glass.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the girl I used to be...
funny, self-assured, in-control of her life...

And sometimes I remember that that is not the girl I used to be, but rather the woman that I have become...
Am becoming.

When I get on scale I try to celebrate my losses...
To not be discouraged by my gains...
Because in weight-loss
As in life...

Without the failures we will not learn
And if we fail to learn
We fail to grow
And when we fail to grow
We stagnate...
in our minds, in our souls, in every aspect of our lives.

So I will take the highs and the lows of this weight loss roller coaster
I will make every endeavor to ride it out
To reach my final destination
A thinner, trimmer, more ME me...
On the outside...
But more importantly...
On the Inside.

Putting on Pants... UGH!

I know.
Putting on pants is an everyday occurrence. Or at least it should be.
For some of us this is easier said than done many days.

Today I put on a pair of shorts that I thought would fit well.
Apparently I was wrong.

Oh, they did fit...
once I laid on the bed and held my breath that is.

I have been making such strides in my journey to a thinner me...
or so I had thought.

It seems that I have gained back the 5 pounds lost last week.
Maybe if I just drink a gallon of water every day and stop eating all together I will lose it for good?

But then, that is not a realistic weight loss plan now is it?

So, instead I will drink my 100 ounces of water every day.
I will eat fresh fruits everyday. I have strawberries and blueberries this week- Woo Hoo!
I will keep my portions small.
I will not snack late at night.
I will not eat junk food... much... okay at all.

I have decided that I will not renew my Sensa plan once I finish with June's supply. In the 5 months I have been using it I have lost about 8 forever pounds and another 3-5 that flucuate weekly so...

For me I do not beleive the Sensa is working anymore. It was great at first, but after the 3rd month there has not been much in the permanent results department.

I admit, I do not sprinkle everything I eat, but I only miss a meal or 2 a week so that really should not make a difference in the grand scheme of things.
I am more active and am making the very conscious effort to remember that :
1- I do not live to eat and
2- I eat to live and
3- my goal is to lose 10 pounds... and then 10 pounds... and then 10 pounds... until I have achieved my ultimate goal...

These are the things that I will do to stay on track. I have 10 pounds to lose. When I lose those 10 pounds I will be under 200. That is the only goal I have at the moment. To weigh less than 200 pounds.

I was there 5 years ago. I was there for 3 years. I can be there again...

Until I get there I will continue to Color Me Thin with a giant ORANGE crayon and imagine that THAT is what I look like to everyone else...

Not just to myself in my dreams.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men... well, you know

DISCLAIMER: This Post Is Long. Do Not read any further if you do not want to get ensnared in the musings of a slightly depressed woman who is finding the truths behind her weight loss... or lack thereof... more painful than she could have imagined!

Click here for the soundtrack of my life

My intentions upon starting this blog, indeed, this journey thru the waist-land of weight loss were honest and pure.

So. What happened?

I got sick. Really sick.

I got tired. Really tired.

I got bogged down with emotional stuff. Really bogged down.

I let excuses get in my way.

That's it.

Full culpability here.

I am responsible for my actions, or inactions as it were.

I am why I cannot get below 208 pounds.

I was there last week.

I was there last month.

I was there in Freaking FEBRUARY!

I could be below 200 now.

I should be below 190 now.

I realized that I sabotaged myself... again.

I had a dream. It left me sobbing in my sleep. It left me feeling alone and unwanted. It left me feeling such a sense of loss that I awoke sobbing into my pillow and I could not stop.

I think that I sabotage my weight loss because I am not worthy.

I have done things. I have thought things. I am not worth the time it takes to pick up a phone of drop bu for a cup of coffee.

No. Really. I believe I am not... and that makes it true.

My best friend growing up moved away 7 years ago. I have seen her twice and spoken to her on the phone less than once a year. Each visit and nearly every phone call has been initiated by me. I found out last year that she has been back to our area several times in the past few years but not once did she call or stop by, not once. I drove 3 hours out of my way to spend and afternoon with her and she could not go 10 minutes out of hers.

I had a friend when I was married before. She and I worked together. We had children the same year. We were very much alike and did alot together. Then I got divorced. She had twins. I had 3 kids in 3 years. I called and kept in touch. I took my babies to have play dates with her babies. When her husband had cancer I called, I stopped by, I rallied round to keep his spirits up. He was cured. I haven't had a phone call from my friend since.

There was a guy in high school who I liked a lot. He was my friend even after his family moved away. He once came to visit me unexpectecly. I was on my way out the door on a date but I took the time to spend with him because he came all that way just to see me. He made me feel important. He made me feel like I was worth his time. His mother and I actually exchanged Christmas cards and family updates for many years after we had both gotten married and gone our separate ways.That was the last time I saw him, just before our high school graduations and his leaving for college. I cherish that visit more than he will ever know.

That is the last time I have felt that way. Not that I walk around feeling dejected and rejected all the time...

I think I have this place inside me where my true self hides. It only comes out very rarely. Like in my dream on Sunday. The rest of the time it is hidden behind the VeryBusyMom facade.

I think I need to let that part of me out more.
But mainly I think I need to make some friends. Oh, I know lots of people, but no one stops by for a cup of coffee. No one calls to invite me for a girls night out. No one wants to go walking with me.

I realized all this Sunday as I stood sobbing uncontrollably in the shower... wanting to talk to someone about it... and realized there was no one for me to call.

So. I sabotage myself. In many ways. All of them subconsciously. Or at least they were up til now!

I need to work on myself.
So. Starting right now I am going to work harder at letting the hidden parts of me come out, to acknowledge the hurt and the pain and the STUFF that I have buried deep inside.

But that will have to wait until tomorrow...

Afterall, Tomorrow is another day.

3 Steps Forward... 2 Steps Back?

Today is March 4th. I have officially been using the Sensa Weight Loss program, we'll just call them Sprinkles, for 2 months.

In that 2 months I have lost 7 pounds.

Here is the break down for those inquiring minds who think they need to know...

Jan 3rd I opened the box, read the instructions and started sprinkling everything I ate...

Week 1- 212.5 pounds... a 4 pound weight loss in about 8 days.

Week 2- down to 209.5... a 3 pound weight loss for a total of 7 pounds down...

It was looking good, REALLY good and then...

Week 3- weigh in didn't happen because of the 102 degree fever, chills and horrible pain in every part of my body...

Week 4- weight was the furthest thing from my mind... just taking a shower had me in bed for a 2 hour nap from exhaustion... the FLU from Hell was in full swing and all I could manage to do was drink about 100 oz of water a day and try not to cough up a lung...

Week 5- Finally, FINALLY! I woke up feeling like I had actually had some sleep... and I could take deep breaths without triggering a coughing jag that would last an hour. Back on track at work, getting caught up on my writing assignment deadlines and... ran the vacuum for the first time in nearly a month...

LIFE IS GOOD! 

Week 6- Life is NOT good. I tire too easily and it is all I can do to get thru the day to take a nap to go to work... weight is up to 213 and hanging there... but I could be worse, MUCH worse...

Walked 3 miles on Monday and nearly 6 miles on Wednesday this week... the weather was in the 70's so I took advantage! 

Week 7- Weight is 210-ish. It's been up and down for the few days ( yes I weigh myself almost every day - it makes me pay attention to what I am doing!)

Week 8- That's TODAY! Weight is at 209. Not bad, but certainly not astronomically astounding either.

I have figured out that I have not sprinkled enough.
Actually it's not that I am not sprinkling enough, its that I am not eating enough so I am not sprinkling what I am not eating.

At the end of each month I have been told that month's Shaker ( the thing the Sprinkles are in) should be empty, or nearly so. You get 2 a month and by mid month one should be empty and at the end of the month the other one should be too.

Well, I have almost a full Shaker left at the end of this month. Not Good, Not Good At All!

So, I am going to have to make myself eat more, I mean like eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day instead of 1 meal and maybe 2 snacks...

A typical food day is lunch - a sandwich or a salad or a some yogurt with granola and fresh fruit.

Then there's a snack... some Sun Chips or some Wheat Thins and hummus or an apple or a pear.

Dinner... yeah, not usually on the menu, but a small helping of whatever I made the family... Jambalaya, Beef Stew, Baked Chicken, Meatball subs...

At night at work I eat a piece of fruit, granola and sometimes cookies.

Ya gotta have a cookie now and again or ya get cranky!

So I resolve to eat more frequently and try to eat more fruits and veggies for snacks.
But more importantly, I VOW to SPRINKLE EVERYTHING I eat... and since I'll be eating more then I'll be using more SPRINKLES and then...

Look Out! Hot Momma coming down!!!

Wednesday's Weigh-In.... NOT

Yes, this is a weigh-in...
From yesterday, which was Wednesday.

But I am not really gong to pay attention to this weight this week for several reasons.

First- I am not making excuses, this is all true.

Now-

1-   I am retaining fluid from the cold and cough meds...
      and because I have only been drinking 2-3 quarts of water or crystal light a day.

2-   I ran out of the Green tea peach mango crystal light - the metabolism booster one?
      And I really do notice a difference from drinking that one all day versus drinking the peach tea or the
      raspberry lemonade.

3-   I am hungry since running out of the green tea which is unusual since I don't really get hungry...
      well I do but not often.

4-   I have been eating my emotions again... I try not to but...
      if you had my family for just a day you would understand... really, you would!
     TheBusyFamily is not always TheGoodFamily...
      which if you ever read my other blog you would know by now.

So, there you have it.
The reasons why I am not going to beat myself up about this week's weight...
Oh yeah, which is 213 btw.

Since I am not beating myself up I will instead treat myself to a bowl of diced fresh pear and apple with my morning coffee... and then I will head out to the store to buy some of that green tea peach mango metabolism booster Crystal light...

whether it is the difference or not really isn't the point...
It's what my brain thinks is the secret to my weight loss success

And who am I to argue with my brain?